OK, who have I offended today?
Some people fritter their time away playing fantasy baseball or football. Even fantasy golf, I understand. I prefer to stick with what I know best. So without further ado, it's time for another installment of fantasy letters to this columnist, a fictionalized version of 'Hey, Jaynes.'
• Hey, Jaynes: Why is everyone in Portland so upset at the mere rumor that I may want to buy the Trail Blazers? We had some great times in Portland, and if those idiot players would have just made a couple of jumpers in the fourth quarter against the Lakers that year, we'd have won a championship.
At least that's the way I remember it, anyway. At the time, I was in Seattle watching one of my son's lacrosse games.
Things would be different if I can just buy the team. Honest. It wasn't me who traded for Shawn Kemp - it was Paul Allen's idea. Same with Isaiah Rider and Dontonio Wingfield. I hated those guys.
And if I can just get my hands on the Blazers, I promise I'll hire a general manager who lives in Portland.
Bob: Aside from the inaugural edition of this newspaper, I have only one other paper framed on my office wall. It's the one with your picture on it and the famous headline 'Buh-bye.' Let's keep it that way.
• Hey, Jaynes: I've seen the way you dress. You're not exactly a fashion god yourself. Where do you get off criticizing my wardrobe?
Bob De Carolis
Bob: My shoes cost more than that orange running suit you wear. My clothes are sensational, by the way. It's me that doesn't look so good.
• Hey, Jaynes: You keep referring to that 'exclusive site agreement' I signed. So what? I'm rich enough to buy my way out of anything. I can buy you a hundred times over. In fact, just for kicks, I've got half a mind to write you a check to just go away and retire in the South Seas.
Mercer Island, Wash.
Paul: If you ever find the other half of that mind, you can send the check to 6605 S.E. Lake Road, Portland, OR 97222. And I want one of those big yachts, too.
• Hey, Jaynes: Recently in a column, you made fun of me for not knowing that the Seattle Mariners were playing an exhibition game in Portland, against the Beavers. You seemed to take great delight that I asked a television reporter where the game was being held. I actually knew they were playing at PGE Park. I mean, Vaughn Street Park was torn down recently, wasn't it?
I have a lot of things on my mind that are a whole lot more important than playing a kids' game. I have a ton of problems to solve in this city. I have a lot of 'visioning' to do. And with all those 'Mean Guys' on the City Council sniping at me, the last thing I need is some fool sports guy making fun of me.
Shape up or ship out of this town, big guy.
Tom: Take it easy, Mayor. Step back and take a deep breath. You're coming up on another election in a couple of years and I'm getting a lot of pressure. I really don't want to run for mayor, but if I have to, I will. And if I do run, you're doomed. You're history. You're finished.
On the other hand, as you've probably already found out - it's a whole lot more fun to run for office than to actually win the job. I'd end up so bored and out of place in your office I'd be begging people to play a little game of catch in the hallways.