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Miami Blight

More proof that recycled TV shows don't make for good movies

Imagine you're eagerly anticipating opening your last Christmas present, all wrapped up in gold paper with elaborate bows and ribbons.

You fervently rip it open, only to discover hand-me-down underwear. All that glitzy packaging couldn't hide the reality that you received a run-of-the-mill, horribly mundane, and blah nothingness.

Director Michael Mann has just given you the worst present in the world, and to add a Freudian observation, he's massively compensating for something.

Like the true professional I am, I stayed to the end, even though I was crying in my soft drink and wondering whether the paper offers combat pay.

I'm fortunate to attend advance film screenings established for members of the press and coordinated by a nice guy named Don.

I snuck out of the theater as soon as 'Miami Vice' was over so I wouldn't have to confess my true feelings to Don. Unfortunately, he snagged me at the next screening, asking my opinion of Mann's film. I paused, and he shared his thoughts. Turns out, we're on the same page in that we both disliked it intensely.

So what's wrong with it?

Actors who can't act.

A 15-minute story made into a two-hour movie. Wait - it was only two hours? It felt like four.

Uninspired story line of undercover cops going undercover.

The movie's original objective of discovering who squealed within the FBI was lost in raging gun battle scenarios that resolved nothing.

Needlessly violent violence.

Implausible, improbable, and impossible circumstances.

Pounding music that pulsates into headaches.

Jerky camera movements.

Schizophrenic cinematography - gritty one moment, clear as a bell the next.

Gratuitous sex for the sake of gratuitous sex.

I can go on, but it's too painful.

Hollywood has been mining the television vaults to no avail.

Movies from TV shows have proven not to be the quality blockbusters Hollywood has hoped them to be.

You could argue the 'Mission Impossible' movies with Tom Cruise are certainly successful, but they're certainly not quality cinema.

'Miami Vice' is just another recycled, tired hand-me-down that offers nothing new to the spectrum of storytelling. All it has is bigger guns, bigger boats, and faster cars.