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You could have read it in this space first

The comedy duo of Art Krug and Boats Johnson, who do a slide show on some of Portland's lesser-known wonders, have a gag that requires flashing a picture of Jake's Famous Crawfish onto the screen. 'Name one,' says Boats. É He's got a point, you know. É The Ugly Mug, a hip new coffee shop on Southeast 13th Avenue in Sellwood, is offering 'chair massages' every Sunday and Tuesday afternoon Ñ $5 for 10 minutes by licensed massage therapist Beth Fleischauer. É Something for those neck muscles when they seize up from all that caffeine, perhaps? É Almost two weeks ago, Mike Ryerson, who covers the mean streets of the Northwest shopping district for the Northwest Examiner, told me he saw Nike President Phil Knight and Claymation exec Will Vinton having lunch at Tully's on 23rd. 'Something's up,' he said. É You kidding me? They're just having coffee. É Turns out, of course, they were nailing down the deal that gives Nike control of Vinton's operation. É Just remember, you almost read it here first.

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Now that he's solved the D.C.-area sniper case Ñ well, you know what I mean Ñ P-town's former chief of police, Charles Moose, has gone directly from bumbling briefer to conquering hero. É According to news reports, in Montgomery County, Md., there's a huge sign where one of the main thoroughfares crosses under the Beltway: 'Thanks Moose.' Farther out, another one says, 'Moose for President.' É When Sarah Spallings and her fiancŽ, Sean Caspell, got an Australian sheepdog from the Oregon Humane Society, they didn't know it had a trick: Whenever they pretend to throw something, Boomer, as they named him, jumps high into the air and pretends to catch it. É Wednesday morning, they were out walking at Whitaker Middle School, putting Boomer through his paces, when someone came over and said, 'The boss wants to talk to you.' É Naturally, Sean thought he was in trouble because Boomer wasn't on his leash. É Turns out Gus Van Sant was doing a casting call at Whitaker that day and wanted Boomer in his movie 'Elephant.' A star is born.

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And finally Ñ drum roll, please: The winner of a Halloween lunch at the fabulous Food Front delicatessen, for coming up with the best response to David Bragdon's traffic congestion analogy, is Sean Whitney of Southeast Portland: 'Building more roads to relieve traffic congestion is like accepting the fact that it's not the pants that are making you look fat.' É But please, before anyone goes apoplectic, let me explain Ñ and in a way that even the highly educated will be able to understand. É Traffic congestion is a function of the number of cars and the amount of road space. Obesity, on the other hand, is a function of weight and Ñ contrary to what Bragdon seems to believe Ñ not pants size, but the size of one's frame. É As any Harvard graduate should be able to tell you, pants cover or adorn the body. They're just not part of the equation. É And if you still don't see how goofy the original was, turn it around: Trying to lose weight by wearing larger pants is like trying to relieve traffic congestion by, say, building bigger and better grassy highway medians. É Which, of course, is not to say that building more roads will solve our traffic congestion problems. It hasn't, and it won't. But not, heaven forfend, because our pants are too big.

Contact Phil Stanford by phone at 503-546-5166 or by e-mail at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..