Yo, Santa! I realize I'm asking for a lot. But there is much to ask for during this television season. Besides, I figure my chances are better with you, even though my track record with these holiday wish lists leaves much to be desired.
• After seeing how Tony treated Carmela, it's only fair that in the final season of 'The Sopranos' next year, the now-estranged wife gets her revenge. How about having her take over Tony's mob duties after he succumbs to the ultimate whacking arranged by his shrink, whom I never trusted in the first place.
• Can you, Santa, do something about the nonstop yelling and obnoxious bantering on CBS' 'NFL Today' and Fox's 'NFL Sunday'? If these guys talked any louder or laughed at any more stuff that clearly isn't funny, I'd think that they all want to be Terry Bradshaw.
• Please force the 'Friends' cast to realize the grim truth: None of them is capable of making a decent movie, so they might as well stick with TV's most popular sitcom for a few more seasons.
• Now that the old woman in the Clapper commercial is back, and we've seen her in bed for the 10,000th time, why not give this television fixture her own program? 'Clap On, Clap Off' sounds like a good title for a program that would be part 'American Idol' and part talk show. Make sure she changes out of that ratty nightgown, though.
• Put a lid on the number of shows that can be part of a drama franchise. At this rate, we'll be watching 'CSI: Medford' and 'Law and Order: Special Portland Trail Blazer Unit.'
• Make sure more viewers realize that the best sports interview show on TV is HBO's 'Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel' and the most entertaining sports show is ESPN's 'Pardon the Interruption.'
• Convince the writers of Fox's '24' that after Jack prevents a nuclear bomb from being detonated, he should return with President Palmer to Lake Oswego. That's where the prez was vacationing (yeah, vacationing) in Episode No. 1, and I never really understood that part of the script.
• Persuade A&E's 'Biography' to start profiling people who aren't or weren't famous or infamous but are still fascinating regardless. I know there's lots of footage of Cybill Shepherd lying around the studio. But if Ken Burns can crank out 10 episodes on the Civil War using still pictures, surely A&E could do 55 minutes on, for example, Jonas Salk.
• Somehow get Portland's TV stations to start doing occasional long-form news programs. It wasn't all that long ago that each of Portland's network affiliates did occasional documentaries and news specials on issues that viewers cared about.
• Get those Coors commercials Ñ which give every appearance of targeting underage drinkers Ñ off the air.
• Talk KOPB (10) into putting 'Charlie Rose' on at 11 p.m., where it belongs and where other PBS stations air it, instead of delaying it to midnight.