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How about a slug of oatmeal?

Radio guy Steven 'Dream' Weaver's favorite breakfast, lunch and dinner is oatmeal with 'Mrs. Moore's medicinal oatmeal additive' at the SecondStory Bistro in Old Town. É Don't know who Mrs. Moore is, but the oatmeal additive in question is a shot of bourbon. É 'The alcohol burns off in the cooking process,' says Dream. Yeah, right. É How bad is the school funding crisis? 'Why,' says the Trib's own Don Hamilton, 'it's so bad that some home-schoolers have had to lay off their parents.' É Had to be the best joke at the Portland Roast Festival banquet last night. É Cartoonist John Callahan, who is of course among those enthralled by the current campaign to bring a major league baseball team to P-town, has already turned his thoughts to what the team's mascot should be. É 'How about a giant 6-foot slug?' he says. 'It's been raining so much lately.' You can say that again.

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The good news is that the General Services Administration Ñ the federal property management agency that wants to turn the Pioneer Post Office into a private club for judges Ñ is planning to hold a public hearing there on Feb. 11 at 6 p.m. É The bad news is that they won't let anyone opposed to their plan speak. Only written testimony will be accepted. É The GSA sees it as an 'educational opportunity,' one federal functionary sniffs. É Oh, really?. É While just about everyone else in the restaurant business is complaining about bad times, Pedro Sanchez is expanding his chain of fast-food Mexican restaurants. At last count, he had three Don Pedro's outlets in Portland, one in Hillsboro and one in Salem, with a new one going up in Vancouver soon. É Not bad for a 36-year-old former cook who arrived here from Mexico just eight years ago.

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Did you know that famous L.A. mobster Mickey Cohen used to spend time in Portland, visiting not only with local mob boss Big Jim Elkins but also with slot machine magnate Lester Beckman and Beckman's nephew, car mogul Ron Tonkin? É In 1961, both Beckman and Tonkin were called to testify in Cohen's tax evasion and money laundering trial in Los Angeles Ñ a fact, not too surprisingly, barely mentioned in the local papers of the day. É Q: How do they indicate the hair color of bald men on drivers licenses? A: They don't. É The motor vehicles division stopped using hair and eye color on licenses six years ago, says spokesman Dave House, because people can alter their appearance so easily. 'It's no longer of value to law enforcement.' É Got a question that's been troubling you? Don't be bashful. Send it our way, and we'll put our staff of highly trained experts to work on it.

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You will no doubt be as astonished as I am that the White House Office of Communications has not yet gotten back to me on the delicate question of whether President Bush has lodged a complaint against local massage therapist Jefferson Kincaid. É Kincaid, of course, is the guy who, after working on the prez last September, expressed the view in this space that George W. might have a blocked fourth chakra. É Not that the state Board of Massage Therapists actually thinks it needs a complaint to proceed with its investigation of Kincaid. É Fortunately for the forces of truth and justice, however, Gov. Ted Kulongoski's office says it's doing what it can do to put a stop to this nonsense.

Contact Phil Stanford by phone at 503-546-5166 or by e-mail at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .