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Chinese water torture continues

As if things weren't bad enough already, the pond in the Classical Chinese Garden, which has been mysteriously losing water since the place opened two years ago, is leaking even faster than before: 26 gallons a minute, according to the latest water bureau figures Ñ which, if you do the arithmetic, comes out to a whopping 13.6 million gallons a year. É And after all this time, no one can figure out where the leak is. É Gloria Lee, the garden's executive director, won't talk about it, referring all calls to the city attorney's office. 'We're just the nonprofit that operates the garden for the city,' she demurs. É Say, isn't there a movie about this?

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Political up-and-comer Nick Fish, who narrowly missed making the runoff in P-town's last City Council race, spent Saturday at his daughter Maria's science fair, where the topic of the day was tornadoes. He reports that Maria, who is 10 and a fourth-grader at Ainsworth, did some research for her project and came up with the information that Kansas has more tornadoes than Oregon. 'I find this very reassuring,' says Nick. É Bruce Wilson, who pilots Radio Cab No. 96, called in the other day with a hot bumper sticker tip: 'Only you can prevent narcissism.' É Very funny, I'm sure. But since when are bumper stickers supposed to be so intellectual? É Why, that's nothing, says Boats Johnson, who claims he saw this one the other day: 'If you were agoraphobic, you'd already be home.' É But at least Boats is willing to clue me in that agoraphobia is the abnormal fear of being in public places.

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Not only does the new addition to the Oregon Convention Center resemble a child's potty, but under certain conditions the rim around the top Ñ the splash guard, if you will Ñ may give you the blind staggers. É 'Because the top trim of the building is cylindrical and made of shiny chrome, and the building itself is round, anyone looking in the direction of the convention center on a sunny day will see a blinding patch of glare,' reports Gary Dye, director of gas measurement for NW Natural, who has an office in Northwest and says he squints every time he looks at it. É The case of the discombobulated copy machine over at Southeast Precinct is now officially closed. A young sergeant, whose name will not appear in this space, has confessed to Cmdr. Stanley Grubbs that he and he alone kicked the stupid thing when it quit on him the other day. All hands presumably are now free to resume their normal duties.

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Comedian Art Krug, who just a couple of weeks ago was in intensive care at Providence after his heart stopped beating, is obviously on the mend. 'Originally, they were worried about brain damage from lack of oxygen,' says Krug. 'But I'm here to tell you that everything's fine now, except maybe I think Carrot Top is a genius.' É More good news for Blazer execs worried about pigeon poop problems at the Rose Quarter: Bob Sallinger, director of the Audubon Society's Wildlife Care Center, says there's a peregrine falcon nest under the Fremont Bridge and a family of red-tailed hawks in the grain elevator that's just north of the Steel Bridge. É Maybe so, but I still like the idea of getting the Blazers to net them and feed them to the homeless: One pigeon at a time, I think the saying goes.

Contact Phil Stanford by phone at 503-546-5166 or by e-mail at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..