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Dont forget to bring a towel

As the administration's deadline for Iraq approaches, the sponsors of the March 23rd Nude for Peace demonstration find themselves in a race against the clock. Spokeswoman Theresa Reed's latest missive advises prospective demonstrators, who will use their bodies to form a nude Chinese peace symbol, to 'bring a towel or something to lie on. É The procedure we will use is to lie down on the towels in the pattern and take a clothed picture first. Then we will quickly remove our clothes and put them under us and take the second picture.' É Then, presumably, the picture will be rushed off to Washington, D.C., and if all goes as planned, George W. will be so impressed that he'll change his mind. É You never know.

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Meanwhile, over at the Southeast Precinct they're chuckling over Cmdr. Stanley Grubbs' latest memo Ñ this one detailing how officers will divvy up credit for traffic tickets. É Well, if you're going to have quotas Ñ Grubbs prefers to call them 'performance expectations' Ñ you've got to have a way to tally them up, right? É Did you know, for example, that 'only one officer gets credit per warning issued per violation. If two officers place their names on one warning, then a systematic procedure is used to determine who gets the credit.' É However, 'When officers are riding together and make a traffic stop that results in multiple violations, they can divide the warnings as long as there is a different violation per warning.' É No wonder they're kicking copy machines over there.

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Since we're on the subject anyway, Commissioner Jim Francesconi, the transportation commissioner himself, called to say those weren't really parking tickets that our source from Central Drugs saw being placed on windshields just seconds after a city worker dismantled the old-style meters. They were actually warnings to other meter readers not to ticket the cars. É My apologies to meter readers everywhere, with the possible exception of all those who have given me tickets within, say, the last 10 years. É Where's the leak in the lake at the Portland Classical Chinese Garden? 'Apparently everywhere,' says senior deputy city attorney Jim Van Dyke, who's currently trying to get the contractor to replace the bloomin' thing Ñ which, as previously reported in this space, is losing about 26 gallons a minute. É And if that doesn't work out in the next 60 days, it looks like a lawsuit is in the (water?) works.

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The Portland Business Alliance has been on the hot seat since The Business Journal revealed that it passed over a local lighting firm to pick a Texas lighting company to do the city's downtown Xmas lighting. É What no one seems to have noticed yet is that the same Texas company did business with PBA Director Kim Kimbrough when he was back in St. Louis running the business lobby there. É Suave Franco D'Amico, the general manager at El Gaucho, is gearing up for the steakhouse's second annual nine-ball tournament next month, black tie and all. É It's a benefit for the March of Dimes' premature birth research program Ñ and it's Franco's way of saying thanks to everyone for what they did for his own daughter Isabella, who was born four months premature, weighing less than a pound and with less than a 1 percent chance of survival. For a while there, they just didn't know. É Next Wednesday, Isabella turns 4 Ñ so you see, some stories do have happy endings, after all. É Happy birthday, Isabella.

Contact Phil Stanford by phone at 503-546-5166 or by e-mail at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..