Don't look now, but according to Chuck 'Fight Club' Palahniuk Ñ whose offbeat guide book to Portland, 'Fugitives and Refugees,' is due to hit bookstores any day now Ñ there's a 'paramilitary' sex club called Zippers Down on Southwest 12th. 'Comprising most of a city block,' he writes, 'the basement is decorated in Army surplus everything, with barrack bunks and acres of camo netting to create the full M*A*S*H effect.' É P-town boxing manager Mike 'Motormouth' Morton is suing HBO for using his original slogan, 'The Heart and Soul of Boxing,' for its boxing telecasts. Don't know how it'll turn out, but as far as I'm concerned, any day I can get Motormouth Morton into the column is a good day. É Words of wisdom from hot dog impresario Frank Nudo, who took off early last weekend to catch the Mariners-Braves game in Seattle: 'Baseball is just like life. You're going along great, and then it up and bites you in the ass.' Which, says Frank, is not necessarily an argument for bringing big league baseball to town. É Well, I didn't think it was.
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Remember that Multnomah County official who recently threatened to release hundreds of prisoners if we didn't agree to take what in effect is a 1.25 percent pay cut by voting for the county income tax hike? É Well, guess what? The county corrections officers all just got a 3.2 percent cost-of-living increases. É Portland's own Cathy Heffernan Douglas was reportedly so upset when she read 'Wild Bill,' the new book about her late husband, U.S. Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas, that she wanted to sue. Something about all those references to his womanizing. É She got talked out of it, however, by one of Douglas' previous ex-wives because, well, it's the truth. É Cathy, now an environmental foundation lawyer in Boston, met Wild Bill in 1965 while working as a waitress at the Three Star (now the Boom Boom Room) on Barbur Boulevard.
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Software engineer Justin Bailey is another guy who just got nailed in the new speed trap on the Banfield on-ramp at 60th and Willow. 'When I went down to the courthouse to enter my innocent plea, there were at least 10 other people in line who had gotten the same ticket. It's outrageous!' says he. É He can't save you any money now, unless you go see him in California. Scott Thomason, who has a noncompete provision with the auto empire he created, is ready to announce that he's bought five dealerships in the Napa Valley region. É The Egyptian Theater, in front of which police officer Elmer Loos supposedly shot the ankles out from under an armed robber, was actually located on Union Avenue, or MLK as it is now called, points out Ron Tainey. É 'I recall dropping a melting bag of chocolate-covered cherries on a baldheaded guy from the balcony once,' he says. 'I never got to go there again.' Thank you, Ron.
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And finally, this spooky story from a jewelry store owner, who for obvious reasons wishes to remain anonymous: Clackamas County sheriff's deputies pick up a guy for shoplifting. Guy spills his guts. Says he's been offered $1,000 by two guys to drive the getaway car while they stick up a jewelry store here in Portland. É Portland police check it out. The two guys aren't home, but their car is Ñ and it's loaded with guns. Could have been worse. The jeweler breaths a sigh of relief É for now.