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A look back at LOPD's blotter

Each week I compile a section called the Police Blotter, based on reports the Lake Oswego Police Department faxes each day to the Review.

While I realize that local residents rely on police for emergencies, when appropriate I try to inject a little humor into the mix, hoping that readers will laugh along.

Here are a few highlights from the past year:

* A scuffle erupted at George Rogers Park when a person who reserved the upper shelter found someone else was using it - thus officially ending 2007's Summer of Love.

* An employee at the Lake Oswego Dog Shoppe was closing down and accidentally got locked inside a common area. A key holder showed up while police were there and let the employee out for a walkie.

* Fifteen to 20 juveniles were reportedly gathering around Cardinal Drive. An officer found a small group of teens having a thoughtful discussion about TV shows. The roundtable concluded there is no 'Seinfeld Curse' and Sally Fields should be banned from the Emmys.

* Four people were in a woman's yard on Highlands Drive, playing war games. Across the street, another group staged a peace rally.

* An officer helped a man secure a golf cart on his trailer. Because he asked for assistance, the golfer incurred a one-stroke penalty.

* A man said his neighbor walks his dog and lets the dog go to the bathroom wherever he likes and doesn't clean it up. When asked about the behavior, the dog owner denied any wrongpooing.

* A high-pitched noise was coming from a small building on Foothills Road. A woman discovered that it was a tractor that had been left on. She turned it off and reduced her daily carbon footprint by 50 percent.

* A woman found three scooters in her backyard and was not sure how they got there. She said they showed up overnight. They were valued at $25 apiece, which prompted her to invoke her finders-keepers, losers-weepers rights.

* In an alleged road rage incident, a BMW driver didn't yield to a driver and then spit on his car and yelled profanities. The BMW also sped through a school zone near Jefferson Parkway. In response, BMW said it will consider discontinuing the 'Jackass Overdrive Switch.'

* Three dogs were running at large near Boones Ferry Road and Jean Way. The three amigos included a black dog of undetermined breed, a golden retriever and a Chihuahua, who was sporting an urban sombrero.

* Cars, hot tubs and junk were all over a yard on Hemlock Street. A person complained that the vehicles weren't working and there was junk beside the driveway. One abandoned hot tub per yard, please.

* Between 4 and 5 a.m. every day, a caller said, there are people yelling in a hot tub. The caller said the neighbors are upset about the noise. Maybe the water is too hot.

* A parent called police to say that his 11-year-old child was missing and believed to be heading to Peet's Coffee. He never arrived at Peet's, but the parent said he went to Lakeside Bicycles instead - apparently opting for a mountain bike over mountain roast.

* A bat was found injured in a yard on Wildwood Street. The bat flew off when police tried to catch it. A warrant was issued for attempt to elude an officer.

* On McVey near South Shore, a motorist called police to complain that the sun was shining in his eyes while approaching the intersection. We haven't seen the sun since.

* At Oswego Veterinary, a man called one of the employees an expletive. He swore in pig Latin, so the animals might understand.

* A woman on Oswego Ridge came home from a trip to discover that her Saab had been wrecked by her boyfriend, who did not have permission to drive it. Love means never having to say you're sorry - except in this guy's case.

* A person on Greentree Avenue was having a football party and his guests were yelling. An officer contacted the rowdy gang and they explained they were just excited that the San Francisco 49ers were winning. They were advised to quiet down and don't get their hopes up.

* The driver in a gold Saturn was seen tailgating and flipping people off. Police had no comet.

* An unidentified person threw a watermelon at another person. Had tensions continued to escalate, this altercation could have led to the Great Melon War of 2007.

* There was a large pile of dirt on Rogers Road. There were no cones around the pile and a caller complained that it might be hard to see. Police placed cones in front of the pile and began searching for a mutant gopher.

* An officer was dispatched to the home of a man who wanted to speak with police about restoring his integrity. The report said he had made bad choices. He's not alone - we thought the Ducks would go all the way, too.

* A woman in her 20s with dark hair and a zip-up black sweater, who was also wearing ski gloves, came to a man's door on Park Forest Court asking for gasoline. And, perhaps, directions to Timberline Lodge.

* A man in a blue Chevrolet was yelling for medical help at the North State Street Shell station. He left before police arrived. Might have been a case of sticker shock.

* A person holding an 'Impeach Cheney' sign was reportedly blocking public property on Fourth Street. Police found the person was not blocking public property. What lengths will Nancy Pelosi go to?

* A briefcase was found under bushes along Kruse Oaks Drive. It was given to the Stanford's restaurant lost and found. The owner will be asked to identify the contents of the doggie bag inside the briefcase.

* In a blue Ford Aerostar, three people were seen passing what might have been a marijuana pipe. Or perhaps just a tall glass of dry ice.

* An employee at Archie's Pub called police to say he needed to leave his car parked on A Avenue until after 6 p.m. and requested that it not be towed or ticketed all day. Nice try.

* There was a report of a man who was standing on the corner near A Avenue and North State Street. He appeared to have been in a fight and was yelling 'Yo, Adrienne!'

* There was a report of a loud band at Lake Oswego Hunt Club. An officer contacted the club and found the band was playing unamplified music. The horses might have been unhappy the band did not play Hall and Oats.

* A man left his home trying to find the people who stole and smashed his pumpkins - proof that pumpkin smashing, even after Halloween, is not a victimless crime.

* A short-hair golden retriever came out of a garage and charged at a woman. The dog wouldn't let her pass. Easy, big fella

* An officer checked a resident's attic after the resident heard strange noises sounding like someone moving around. After going through the crawl space, an officer with the newly formed Ghost Busters CSI Unit determined that the noise was from a bathroom vent pipe and not a ghost portal.

* Police took a criminal mischief report from the owner of a Dolphin motor home. Someone had taken the windshield wipers off the motor home. Police did not find the wiper swiper.

* Police received a report of a possibly neglected dog on Maple Street. The dog was reportedly on the front porch, with no water and an empty food bowl. In a mysterious twist, an officer checked and found a well-fed dog with food in his bowl and a full bowl of water. Sounds like a case for Ace Ventura

* Police received a report of a drug pipe, which a resident on A Avenue found in his morning newspaper. Seems like an odd promotion for Black Friday.

* A group of people were seen walking and carrying backpacks on Bangy Road. Soon the group separated. They took the road less traveled and that has made all the difference.

* At Hallinan Elementary School, three boys were reportedly walking with a golden retriever, making it go down a slide and dragging it by its neck. An officer found no violation, just a loyal dog refusing to squeal on its friends.

* Police received second-hand information that one or more people were smoking near a propane tank on North State Street. They were advised of their options: The No. 1 being to smoke further away from the propane tank.

* An officer cited a driver for creative angle parking. There is justice.