Joel KwartlerFinding your classes on the first day of school is always tricky. Half the time you’ll get lost, end up in the forbidden corridor on the third floor, save the world and end up late to your next class. (And you thought that only happened in books. Clearly, you’ve never been to the Lake Oswego High School science hall.)

Now, add to that the switch to an unfamiliar school. Annually, that includes incoming freshmen and seventh-graders. This year, you also have incoming sixth-graders and the Uplands and Bryant refugees changing schools. This is a staggering number of new students. I mean, that’s more people than there are in line at Voodoo Doughnut on a weekend morning.

So, we’re not only clueless about which classrooms to go to, but also whether we should show up at Forest Hills, Waluga Junior High, Lakeridge Middle School or Starbucks. (Which leads to even more problems, because LO has more Starbucks locations than Micronesia has Olympic athletes).

All this stuff about which school is where, and why it’s officially called what, again, gets confusing. I would propose we adopt the New York system, naming each school something like P.S. (Pigeon-Swamped) 32, but we have more pressing concerns, like whether or not to shut down the high schools and just send everyone to college early.

In addition, there are other thrilling changes coming to our schools this year. Lakeridge High School’s ongoing roof repairs are supposed to be finished before school starts (in September 2019). LOHS students went through that two years ago; Lakeridge students, you wish. Enjoy your cling-wrapped school next month. Remember, don’t get mad, get Glad!

On a broader, statewide level, Oregon updated its pesticide laws. It’s mice to know that there will bee mole regulation, although the new pesticide tactics termite bug those who had affection nested in the old rules. Now, schools must post a sign 24 hours before using any pesticides.

This is really exciting. I’m not kidding. These signs will alert any and all teens to the place where they have the best chance of catching pests to use in pranks. Not that teens ever pull pranks or anything. That was just a hypothetical, of course.

The creation of IPMs, or integrated pest management plans, is another awesome part of the new laws. These plans are similar to integrated elementary classes, with the first- and second-graders in the same room. Only here, you put the managers and the pests in the same room, and they brainstorm ways to encourage better cooperation between the rest of the pests and faculty.

These changes all mean one thing: There’ll be a lot of good excuses for being late to class this month. On a serious note, though, they show our school district’s continual adaptation to ever-changing times. Thankfully, so far, quality hasn’t suffered too greatly.

Now I’d love to talk more about the state of our schools, but I’ve got to finish my transfer application to Uplands. Who doesn’t like a schedule with late arrival, then study hall, then study hall and finally an early release?

Joel Kwartler is a junior at Lake Oswego High School. He writes a monthly column for the Lake Oswego Review. To contact him, email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

Contract Publishing

Go to top
Template by JoomlaShine