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Realizing my God

I’d like to talk about God, realizing Jottings readers will agree and disagree with my views. Saying God is easy, but talking about the meaning of God can be challenging, sometimes formidable or misunderstood. I wonder if there are any two people who view God in exactly the same way? I imagine our views of everything are as different as our faces.

During my childhood, I experienced being a student at St. Helens Hall, a Portland Episcopal girl’s school. Each morning, we students tied pale blue cotton veils around our heads before entering the chapel to listen to Bishop Dagwell chant prayers and repeat Biblical passages I didn’t understand. I felt dumb.

As a young adult I searched for the meaning of God in beautiful brick and stone churches hearing the echo of footsteps, music, voices, words, waiting to understand God because God was not true for me.

I could not identify with the writings of holy men. I could not see myself in the structural concepts of the Christian religion. I failed to find whatever it was I could not feel or understand, even though I experienced a knowing, guiding presence.

In midlife frustration, I decided to change God’s gender, allowing myself to view Him as Her. It was an exalting three-year experiment. God spoke without words, I understood Her. She stepped inside me to unfold. When I felt God, I understood God. That is when I realized I had been searching outside myself for someone else’s God. God was inside me all along: awesome, powerful, beautiful. Only with God in me did I see God outside, in everyone and everything.

During the last two decades, God’s gender became inconsequential. I believe names, like God, limit the experience of God. To me, God is not a he, she, father or mother. God does not give or take.

God and Life are inseparable. God, like Life, is without intention. I believe it is up to mankind to create not only God, but God’s intentions. My concept of God inspires my best intentions. God and Life are the Spirit and the Now I chose to either notice or not. God and Life are my breath, allowing me at this moment to think, be, write and love. My prayer to God and Life is always: “Thank you.”

Norma Heyser is a member of the Lake Oswego Adult Community Center.



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