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Mark & Dave: What's politics appeal? Hint: Not policy

The Portland Tribune may not have endorsed either major party candidate for governor, but we will. We want four more years of John Kitzhaber. Not for his political acumen. No, we just know Dennis Richardson would give us an antiseptic term, and we’re talk-show hosts — we need the governor and his unpredictable girlfriend for another four volatile years. It’s radio gold. Who thought we’d miss the agreeable Ted Kulongoski?

• • •

Here you are ... Mark & Dave’s top 10 future revelations about the governor’s fiancee, Cylvia Hayes:

10. Puts empty milk cartons back in the fridge.

9. Wore nonmatching pair of socks.

8. Doesn’t change the toilet paper roll.

7. At work, eats half a doughnut and puts the rest back in the box.

6. Samples grapes while at the grocery store.

5. Eats other people’s food out of the office fridge.

4. Leaves the toilet seat up.

3. Steals movies using neighbor’s Wi-Fi.

2. Faked Ebola to get out of a meeting.

1. Counts her dog as a person to use the car-pool lane.

• • •

Quite the Ebola scare at PDX when an intensely sick child traveling from Nigeria landed aboard a Delta flight last week. It had to be Ebola, what else could be causing the kid to throw up, not once, but twice? Well, the medical director for emergency services in Multnomah County determined it wasn’t Ebola. The culprit? The kid ate too much junk food on the flight. The lesson from all this: Stay away from the airline food, otherwise we’ll suspect everyone of having Ebola.

• • •

Police in states where marijuana is legal are warning trick-or-treaters to be aware of pot-infused candy. It’s difficult to tell the ordinary candy from the hash-oil variety, cops say. Here’s a clue: Stay away from houses that smell like Harold and Kumar live there.

• • •

Sorry, we have pot on the mind with City Hall’s claim that Portland’s proposed 10 percent marijuana tax will generate a windfall for city coffers if voters approve Measure 91. Their expected take: $4 million ... or roughly the street fee from two Portland families.

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OK, we exaggerated a little on that last one. But this one will stick. Credit Suisse’s report on global wealth reveals if you have just $3,650 in total assets you are considered among the wealthiest 51 percent of people in the world. That is, until the Portland street fee kicks in; “Portland, The City That Keeps You Eligible for Food Stamps.”

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Big, gaudy and expensive wedding rings aren’t just for show. Statistically, economics professors at Emory University found that those who dropped a fortune on that kind of hardware were more likely to get a divorce. So we each had our rings appraised and announced it on the show — both rings are worth about $35. As our friend Tom Parker from Lines for Life so appositely noted: “Your marriages are good until the ice age.”

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Engineered yogurt bacteria could replace your next colonoscopy. You just eat the yogurt, then pee in a cup. Just like a pregnancy test, this yogurt will activate markers that could detect colorectal cancer. Who would have guessed the death panel would be Yoplait?

• • •

We are stoked after last week’s lighting test on the new Tilikum Crossing downtown. According to TriMet’s Mary Fetsch, the “mood lighting” on the bridge will reflect the Willamette River’s speed, depth and temperature. We can’t wait to see what color it will be when the sewers overflow.

Listen to Mark and Dave 3 to 6 p.m. weekdays on AM 860 KPAM.

Follow them at facebook.com/

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