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Just what is it that YOU do, Mrs. Torrey?

The other night my husband came to bed complaining, “My computer just crashed!” I told him, “If you think that's bad, let me tell you what happened to me today!” and proceeded to do just that in no uncertain terms.

(Here's how it went... )

“Yes, I know MIZ Priss is the wife of your best buddy and that she's one of King City's grand dames. But right after your whoop-de-do meeting today, she said to me (and 20 other women within earshot), ‘Mrs. Torrey, we all know what MR. Torrey does as secretary of the King City Lions Club: HE presents U.S. flags to grade-school children. HE collects newspapers for fund-raising. HE's a VIP to the community. So, what we're all wondering, Mrs. Torrey, is just what is it that YOU do?’

“Well, that woman made me so angry, I sure gave her a piece of my mind!

“I told her, ‘For your information, Your Majesty, I hold five VIP positions, all by myself, every blessed day - seven days on, zero days off.

“‘My No. 1 position is the BEND. In it I stare at a computer screen 'til I'm cross-eyed, keeping track of household expenses and wondering why my check balance doesn't match what the bank claims is in there. I do laundry, I fold and stash it in drawers;

“‘I iron MR. Torrey's shirts. I wipe His Nibs' whiskers out of the bathroom sink. I jiggle the doohickey on running toilet tanks, I replace tissue rolls, I scan recipes, cook three meals a day and clean the kitchen after each.

“‘In my No. 2 position, the CRAWL, I sweep dust-rollies from beneath beds; I squirt carpet-cleaner on spots and scrub their tell-tale rings 'til they blend into the rug's design; I vacuum peanuts and pennies and lint and grass blades from under couch cushions;

“‘I wipe sticky stuff off dining-chair arms and rungs; I go crazy sorting wires going to my printer from those snaking to all the other hoodingies behind my desk.

“‘In my No. 3 position, the KNEEL, I scour bathtubs, burn knuckles pulling dishes from the oven. I tighten loosened cabinet knobs; stack newspapers into bags, flatten cans, sort bottles for recycling. I pack an elderly neighbor's 30 years of National Geographics - plus that many Family Circles and Smithsonians - into boxes.

“‘Granted, the KNEEL is my easiest position to get into but hardest to get up out of. It should be held only by kids who're built closer to the floor than I

“‘In my No. 4 position, the STAND, I wheel garbage- and recycle-bins out of - then back into - the garage. I wash bugs and bird-dirt off our car. I do dishes, stash them in cupboards and an hour later, take them out again. I swab cobwebs from ceilings, prop up sagging shelves, trim hedges, wash windows, and feed birds, myself and MR. Torrey.

“‘I rarely use my fifth VIP position - the SIT - because there's no time left after taking care of the other four. (I did it outside one sunny day, and while just resting my eyes, somebody called 9-1-1.)

“‘AND, Your Highness, I also transport a certain Lion's club secretary to late-day King City meetings because MR. Torrey doesn't drive at night!’”

(Now, if you've believed all you've read above, note the date at the top of this newspaper page, then recall what the first day of this month is traditionally known for.)

APRIL FOOL!

© Copyright 2013 by Isabel Torrey, a King City resident who is in her 41st year as a columnist.