Funny Nathan Brannon avoids toilets

Published 12:00 am Thursday, July 5, 2012

Nathan Brannon is afraid of toilets.

“Portland’s Funniest Person,” as he was crowned last month at Helium Comedy Club’s second annual contest, has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and an overall germ phobia that have led to his fear of the “household time bombs.”

“You flush ’em, water is splashing all over the place, and it’s like the thing is holding me hostage,” he says. “They’re the terrorists of the plumbing world.”

Ironically, Brannon’s last day job, before he became a full-time comedian a year and a half ago, was selling toilets and the like at a Portland-area A-Boy Plumbing and Electrical Supply store.

Since being laid off from that job, he says things are finally starting to look like he didn’t make a mistake in his career choice. “I’ve been a comedian in Portland since 2006, and winning this (funniest person) award was the first time my parents told me I was funny,” Brannon says. “I guess that means I’m doing better.”

Getting really, really famous

Brannon, a 28-year-old Portland native, beat 87 of the city’s funniest jokesters to take home $1,000, a certificate proclaiming him Portland’s funniest, and a celebratory cake.

“Look, you can take the money, but if anyone tries to get between me and my cake, things can get serious,” he says.

His goal is to get so famous that he can yell at waiters (without any repercussions, of course, a la Big Hollywood Celebrity types) for messing up his confusing drink orders.

Brannon, like any good comedian, turns his day-to-day affairs into jokes onstage, often at his own expense. In one case, he draws on his experience as a newlywed in an interracial relationship.

“We come from two different worlds,” he says. “Her dad killed a bear with a bow and arrow, which blows my mind. It once took me two pairs of shoes to kill a spider. I don’t even know if I got the thing.”

Brannon can often be seen wearing his signature merchandise shirt that reads, “I black out.” His friends made the original for him after some heavy drinking on his first night of college, but to Brannon, it means much more.

“As a comedian, people love to tell you that you can’t do this or can’t do that. For me, the black out thing is basically ‘I can’t hear what you’re saying.’ When they’re done, and I come to, it’s back to business as usual.”

So much talent

The self-proclaimed “pregnant Tracy Chapman” look-alike has dealt with his share of setbacks. Before the 2011 contest finals night, he was hit by a car, effectively ruining any chance he had of winning.

Ian Karmel, who won last year’s inaugural contest, says Brannon was one of his biggest competitors.

“Nathan’s an incredibly funny person,” he says. “Any of those finalists were worthy of the title, but it was especially nice to see him win this year.”

Karmel adds that since Brannon won the prize money, he can stop wearing the same shirt every day.

Early in his career, Brannon also battled with a condition known as ulcerative colitis, during which he nearly bled to death numerous times. He underwent a procedure to remove his colon, subsequently saving his life. It was during this process that he fell in love with his wife-to-be, Kirsten.

“She drove all the way to Portland when I had to have my colon removed, and stayed the entire night with me, curled on a couch,” he says.

At the time, she was studying to be a registered nurse at Walla Walla Community College.

Brannon graduated from Roosevelt High School and majored in rhetoric and media studies with a minor in American ethnic studies at Willamette University in Salem.

His interest in a comedy career began after performing on campus. After graduation, he moved to Portland to continue his newfound passion.

“I don’t think I could have picked a better comedy scene to get into,” he says. “There’s so much talent here, and it’s kind of like a leapfrog effect, because all the comedians work so hard, it makes me have to work that much harder.”

Brannon says that while most people think a comedian’s life is just, well, a big joke, it really does take hard work and persistence. He does find plenty of time for fun, though. He calls himself a movie buff, and says he recently went to see the movie “Battleship,” which was so awful that it left him feeling bad as a human being.

In one of his jokes, Brannon says his germ phobia often leads him to partake in different types of fun.

“You know what I do in my free time?” he says. “I fill up water balloons with hand sanitizer, and then go downtown and throw them at people. I call it ethnic cleansing.”

Not so handsome

Brannon says his biggest comedy accomplishment was overcoming his fear of speaking to crowds, but that fear perhaps was swapped for his more awkward interactions on a smaller level.

“Give me a stage and a crowd and I will talk about anything,” he says. “Give me a couple people and I’ve got nothing to say. I plead the fifth.”

On stage, Brannon says his act is a 60/40 percent split between material and delivery. He adds that certain people just have “the look” and are better off being funny looking than attractive. “People will be like, ‘He’s got good jokes, but his jawline is too straight.’ “

He concedes that comedians aren’t exactly chick magnets in the first place, and that even good-looking comedians will likely blow it and tell the girls about their extensive collection of X-Men action figures.

Shane Torres, runner-up in this year’s contest, calls Brannon “brilliant and underappreciated” but renowned in the city’s comedy community.

“When you have the respect of all your peers, like Nathan does, it speaks to your ability,” he says.

Brannon will go down as one of Portland’s funniest, since once a person wins the title, they can never enter the competition again. To learn more about his upcoming shows or watch clips of his stand-up, visit www.nathanbrannon.com.