Opinion: Biblical thank yous for benevolent acts

Published 9:21 am Wednesday, March 12, 2025

It was difficult to get it out of his head. How could Volodymyr Zelenskyy — he refused to call him president — not thank him? Sure, Zelenskyy had thanked the United States several times, but this was different. This would have been Zelenskyy thanking him, Donald Trump, in front of the press. Instead Zelenskyy had the gall to — on camera — revise Trump’s revisionism.

Trump checked online. He checked Twitter. Marco Rubio and Mike Lee got it right. They thanked him for standing up to Zelenskyy’s use of facts. Lindsey Graham did, too; but that was Lindsey. Still, Trump would have preferred they thank him on television. Maybe they did. He’d Google that later.

Trump hadn’t felt this disrespected since his thank you contretemps with LaVar Ball. Just thinking of it sent Trump searching for his satisfying tweet about the Ball incident. “It wasn’t the White House, it wasn’t the State Department, it wasn’t father LaVar’s so-called people on the ground in China that got his son out of a long term prison sentence — IT WAS ME. Too bad.”

He opened one of the God Bless The USA Bibles he sold, wondering how many thank yous Jesus received for his work. “How incredibly smart,” he muttered, “of me to notice our similarities.”

He was impressed — even envious — that Mary Magdalene washed Jesus’s feet with her tears. Dried them with her hair. In lieu of minerals, he wondered if Zelenskyy should wash his feet. He learned Lazurus, of all people, never thanked Jesus. “Even if Jesus and Lazurus were friends, Jesus should have demanded some of Lazurus’s worldly possessions — rings — rings have minerals. Yes rings,” Trump muttered.

It got worse. Of 10 healed lepers, only one thanked Jesus, and he was a foreigner. At one immigrant being more thankful than nine citizens, Trump frowned. “A misprint,” he growled.

Trump Googled: “Did people thank Jesus for turning water into wine?” The answer made no sense. “The miracle was not widely known, and many guests did not realize what had happened.”

“Helping others without taking credit? Stupid,” Trump cried.

Jesus would have benefited from reading “The Art of the Deal,” Trump thought. His fingers pounding the keyboard, he Googled: “People thanks loaves fishes.” According to Google AI Overview: “When Jesus fed the multitude with loaves and fishes, the people did not explicitly give thanks to him directly, but the text emphasizes that Jesus himself gave thanks to God before distributing the food.”

This seemed backward. Foolish. Instead of receiving thank yous, Jesus was grateful that He had the power to help others. Trump wondered if any of those deadbeats cut Jesus’s hair, trimmed His beard. Gave Jesus sandals. When Trump failed to find a quid pro quo, he said, “Bizarre, Jesus held the cards, and He didn’t play them. Didn’t He know? A friend in need is an opportunity indeed.”

Again, he thought of Mary Magdalene. “What if Zelenskyy washes my feet?” Trump said, brightening. Yes, Zelenskyy washes my feet while thanking me for making a deal with Putin. Then Canada, Mexico, Greenland and Europe fall in line. But it must be on TV, he mused.

Trump dusted the Bible and put it on the shelf. He took off his shoes and socks and waited for someone to wash his feet, unaware that if someone did, it would not be out of love, gratitude, respect, nor friendship. It would be out of fear.

It got worse. Of 10 healed lepers, only one thanked Jesus, and he was a foreigner.