Do we laugh or do we cry?

When Dave Luck, Lake Oswego’s most self-respected citizen and COLA-LO (Conservatives Offering Lame Advice — Look Out!) board member, cautions that we must vote “to change the devastating path the current administration has put the country on” — when during the entire eight-year economic and foreign policy fiasco that was the Bush presidency Mr. Luck never once said the same — do we laugh or cry?

When COLA’s (Coalition Of Luck-Alikes) Dave Berg derides the Lake Oswego City Council for being “ideologically driven” by a policy of “tax and spend” — as if there has ever been any government in the monetary history of humankind that did not operate under some form of “tax and spend” — do we laugh and ask what his alternative respiratory system is for the ideologically driven policy of “inhale and exhale,” or do we weep for the future of our city and country that he and his fellow Daves at COLA (Caucasians Of the Late Archeozoic) feel themselves qualified to tell us how to vote?

Hi, I’m Burl Ross, anointed as “The Pesky Progressive” by Noel Wolfe (though he thinks I made up the name myself, writing an entire citizen’s view obliviously attacking it. Don’t wake him). In letters past I have tried to laugh away the nonsensical recycled Republican talking points, the countless errors and omissions of fact and the in-your-face hypocrisy rife in the writings of these COLA (Citizens Offended by Logical Argument) contributors, but they stubbornly refuse to be laughed off the page.

And now I know why. Recently I subjected a letter from another suspected COLA (Can’t OvuLAte) member, George Edens, to a rigorous fact-check and reported that I had “found none.” Ha! Hilarious, right? Not to Mr. Wolfe who, being hard-of-humor, didn’t “get it.” He asked me why I had criticized George’s letter when “by your own admission, the information presented was accurate.” Noel and his like-minded friends at COLA (Curly mOe & LArry) have literally no sense of humor. They are comedy-challenged, or, to be politically correct, “handi-humored.” They will never understand the joke, especially when they ARE the joke.

Therefore, as I re-engage in lone single combat with COLA (Church Of Limbaugh Acolytes) I will no longer be laughing. Instead, I will cry. Cry “havoc!” that is, in a colossal confrontation that will no doubt be forevermore remembered as the COLA Wars, unless that name has already been taken.

Fittingly, I will rename myself (Noel will be thrilled) to PEPSI — Pesky Elite Progressive of Superior Intelligence. (Follow me: For decades, conservatives have labeled liberals as the “intellectual elite.” I now concede their point, having witnessed the cavalcade of liars and airheads that was the Republican National Convention. Conservatives, have it your way — we progressives are indeed your intellectual superiors.)

So from this day forth, whenever COLA-LO (Come On! Leave our Acronym aLOne!) offers electoral advice on this page, I’ll be there. Like Tom Joad, an equally heroic liberal (read a book, conservatives), I’ll be there. With my single letter per month to their four, and my one liberal brain against their combined conservative dozens, it should be an fair fight. And my battle cry will be simply this: “Whatever COLA recommends — do the opposite!”

COLA: Cry? Or Laugh Aloud?

Burl Ross is a resident of Lake Oswego.

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