You know you're in P-town when you see a new, dark green Volvo V70 wagon on Southwest Fourth $45,000 if it cost a penny with a window sticker that says: 'The Best Things in Life Aren't Things.' É Who's the local man about town 50ish, with thinning hair and reportedly so vain that when he reads this he probably won't think it's about him who's become such a royal pain at one of the local 'it' hair salons that they keep raising the price each session, hoping he'll take his business elsewhere? At last report, they were up to $80 and he still hadn't gotten the message. É Best line of the night from the police bureau's Medal of Valor dinner at the Hilton came from Chief Mark Kroeker, who, when he stepped up to the microphone, was greeted by an infant's loud wail. Without missing a beat: 'You have the right to remain silent,' said the chief, a big smile on his face. É And you know what? It worked.

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In honor of visiting Food Network poobah Anthony Bourdain, who finished one recent show by eating the still-beating heart of a cobra, the Heathman will be cooking up a little something special Saturday evening. They're calling it the 'Offal Dinner' offal, of course, being a word that describes the 'waste parts' of animals. É On the menu: Quenelles of halibut and cockscombs, rabbit kidney salad, Rocky Mountain oyster shepherd's pie and, of course, that old favorite, sautŽed sweetbreads, or innards. Yum. É 'If voters only asked fewer questions,' reads the e-mail, quoting the words of a British political scientist by the name of Glen Newey, 'politicians would tell them fewer lies.' É Words of wisdom, no matter who sent them in. This just happens to come by way of Mike Beard, aka Beardo, communications director for the Republican office in the state Senate.

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That old story from the '70s, about kingmaker Ray Kell beating a drunken driving rap by claiming diplomatic immunity, just keeps getting better. É 'My recollection,' writes Dean Alterman of the law firm Lane Powell Spears Lubersky, and son of Kell's old law partner, Cliff Alterman, 'is that É the actual reason was that when he was arrested, Mr. Kell was returning from dinner with two sitting judges, who were prepared to testify for him.' É Recognizing that it wouldn't pay many dividends to attack the judges' credibility on the witness stand, District Attorney Harl Haas quite wisely punted.

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Brian Ford, who closed down the venerable Henry Ford's Restaurant out on Barbur Boulevard last February, will, if all goes according to plan, be reopening soon at 26th and Vaughn, where L'Auberge used to be. É The old Henry Ford's had become a campy hangout for the younger retro crowd. This time out, though, Brian says it'll just be called Ford's and there will be no repeat, no red flocked wallpaper. Dunno about that. É And finally, to those who understand the need to restore Klingon to the county's want-list for interpreters: Take heart. É Last Thursday, local Klingons met with lawyer Dennis Griffiths to discuss suing the county to get the program back on, well, trek. É One possibility: filing the brief in Klingon thereby proving the indispensability of having such interpreters. Can't argue with logic like that.

Contact Phil Stanford by phone at 503-546-5166 or by e-mail at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

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