On Sports

By popular demand, the latest version of “What he or she would like to say,” or, “What he or she really ought to say.” ...

Mike D’Antoni, on the state of the Los Angeles Lakers: “I’ve been using Darius Morris and Chris Duhon at point guard. Oddly, we’ve not gotten the same production as if Steve Nash, or even Steve Blake, were available. By the way, now that I’m coach of the Lakers, how about pronouncing my name right? It’s Dan-Toe-Knee, not Dee-Ann-Toe-Knee.”

Terry Stotts, on the state of the Trail Blazers’ woeful bench: “I’ve been sticking up for those guys all season, talking about how scoring doesn’t matter, how I always have a couple of starters in with the reserves to take care of that. What am I supposed to say? That my veterans are stiffs and my young guys aren’t ready to contribute?”

by: TRIBUNE FILE PHOTO: CHRISTOPHER ONSTOTT - Who wouldn't love to hear Oregon coach Chip Kelly say what's really on his mind? Such as: 'I am getting a little bored winning all these games so easily.'

Chip Kelly, on leaving Oregon for the NFL: “I’ve been pretty clear on this subject with my friends in the media. If I go to the NFL, I’ll take a pay cut. I already have the best owner in sports in Phil Knight. I am getting a little bored winning all these games so easily, though. And yeah, those hounds in the NCAA office are going to spank us one of these days soon. Maybe I’ll stay around for another shot at a national title, maybe not. When I’m ready to tell you, I’ll announce it directly to Duck fans via Skype.”

Mike Riley, on losing out to Stanford’s David Shaw for Pac-12 coach of the year: “We flipped our season, from 3-9 to 9-3, and that was enough reward for me. I don’t care that we were picked to finish last in the Pac-12 North — behind Washington State, mind you. I don’t care that much about money, either. Otherwise, I would complain about being the 11th-highest-paid head coach in the conference — and I’m sure I’ll be dead last now that Colorado has hired Mike MacIntyre as a replacement for Jon Embree.”

Gregg Popovich, on the $250,000 fine levied by NBA Commissioner David Stern for sitting starters Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili and Danny Green in San Antonio’s game at Miami: “I played Nando de Colo 34 minutes. Isn’t that giving fans their money’s worth?”

Andrew Bynum, Philadelphia’s zany center, on his recent knee injury: “Who would have known bowling was so damn dangerous?”

Bynum, on the lawsuit he filed against his former neighbors in Westchester, Calif.: “My Ferrari’s never been the same since they threw pennies at it. They gave me dirty looks when I was packin’, complained when I cranked ‘Gimme That Nut’ by Eazy E to full volume and were really mean to my pit bulls when I’d let them run free in the neighborhood for some exercise. Can’t we all just get along?”

Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, on his $30,000 fine for kicking Houston quarterback Matt Schaub in the groin: “Totally unintentional. I can’t help it if he thrust his package toward my foot. If I wanted to hurt him, I’d have used my right foot. That’s my kicking foot.”

Mike Johnston, on the Winterhawks’ $200,000 fine and his season-long suspension as coach/general manager of the WHL club for seemingly minor violations: “I can’t blame the league office for not answering calls from the media. As that loopy Portland Tribune columnist put it, we got the death penalty for jaywalking.”

Ron Robison, WHL commissioner: “Sometimes sanctions are better off left unexplained. This will all just go away quietly in a couple of years.”

Merritt Paulson, owner of the Portland Timbers, on the club’s recent announcement that season tickets are sold out for the 2013 campaign: “We don’t have to win. We sell out all our games, anyway!”

Sarah Mensah, Trail Blazers chief operating officer, on her resignation after 19 years with the organization: “When I was overlooked for the president’s job, the writing was on the wall. I guess all those years of creating good will and strong relationships with key members of the community don’t matter after all. It’s all in the slogan — new team, new dream.”

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