Don't be chicken, it's time for the Y2K 13 e-Pocalypse

by: TRIBUNE PHOTO: CHRISTOPHER ONSOTT - Jefferson Smith 'predicts' that in 2013 Portland will open an off-leash chicken park for backyard farmers.By Jefferson Smith

In 2013, I will find out that my gym membership allows me to do more than 24 hours of fitness per year.

A growing movement will dub the year ‘13 to be treacherously unlucky. Superstitious data czars will respond by simply calling the year “2014.” This confuses computer systems and triggers an electronic crisis bigger than Y2K. Local newspapers dub this the “Y2K 13 ‘e-Pocalypse.’ “

In 2013, Portlanders will no longer think 82nd Avenue is in Gresham. Many will still think 122nd Avenue is.

In my neighborhood, the city will have a hotline to call when you DON’T find a pothole.

*Beep-beep-beep*: “Hey, yeah, I found some smooth road on 114th and Pacific. Can you guys bring some jackhammers and take care of that?”

It will become a bit less popular to emphasize by putting a Period. After. Every. Word.

People will continue to use “literally” when they mean “virtually.”  (Last year, a TV newscaster described people’s “eyes literally glued to their TV screens.” Literally. Glued. To. TV. Screens.)

In 2013, any job woes unresolved by Nike will be fixed with one mega-project: The Columbia Coal Coliseum Convention Casino & Crossing. It will be hailed a triumph until a surprising collection of accountants, bicyclists, recyclers and small-government activists gather to throw green tea off the East Bank Esplanade.

The “Green Tea Party” will sweep the nation. They will sell T-shirts.

Also in 2013, we will open an off-leash chicken park for backyard farmers.

The word “Couvsterdam” will be coined. Just was.

Various eateries and food carts will try to compete by serving dishes “Gangnam Style.”

In politics during 2013, Nick Fish, Dan Saltzman and Charlie Hales will contend that they are not the same person. They will successfully rebut the criticism that Portlanders fixate on being cool and hip. Former politicians will attempt to disguise their bitterness behind a thin veil of humorous commentary.

In 2013, newspaper online comment sections will be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize . . . when the comment sections go silent.

The nomination will be withdrawn when it is learned that the silence stemmed from computer servers being down, caused by the Y2K 13 e-Pocalypse.

Jefferson Smith, a state legislator from East Portland, recently lost the Portland mayoral race and promptly bought a bunch of chickens for his back yard.

Soon on display: Artifacts from 2013

By Kerry Tymchuk

I spend a great deal of time dealing with the artifacts of Oregon’s past — treasures like the branding iron carried by Meriwether Lewis, the 1857 original draft of the preamble of the Oregon Constitution and the first American flag sewn in Oregon.

Here, with my tongue firmly in my cheek, are some Portland artifacts from 2013 that might eventually join our collection:

The last surviving Republican in Multnomah County

The first food cart to receive the coveted three-star rating from the Michelin Guide

The Benson Bubbler that dispenses the first drop of fluoridated water in Portland

The menu from The Flourides of March, the first food cart to feature recipes using you-know-what

The Emmy Award given to “Portlandia” in the category of Best Documentary

Transcripts of the debates on the possible size and style of the Columbia Crossing Bridge (to be added to a collection that already covers several acres in our 100,000-square-foot warehouse)

Kerry Tymchuk is executive director of the Oregon Historical Society. Wait — “Portlandia” is a documentary?

This year, I-5 goes green for bicycles

By Antonio Harvey

My bold prediction for 2013:

This will come as no surprise to most in our ultra-eco-friendly community. But I predict that sometime in 2013, Portland Mayor Charlie Hales — in conjunction with Gov. John Kitzhaber — will close the left lane on Interstate 5 from Portland to Salem, paint it lime green and designate it solely for the use of bicycles. This will give Portlanders the opportunity to further the cause of saving Mother Earth (along with the dogs, the turtles, sea lions, wild salmon, birds, aardvarks and the hairy-nosed wombat).

It will be hailed as revolutionary by the 1 percent of Oregonians who commute on bikes. Unfortunately, they happen to live relatively close to work, so the new bicycle lanes will have no effect on them.

But to the other 99 percent of our citizens who drive to work, this will cause tremendous traffic jams, which will create more slow-moving vehicles on the road. It will emit more carbon monoxide into the atmosphere, thus nullifying the idea of the bicycle-friendly green lanes.

This will force the city and state to remedy the problem by taking away the green freeway lanes, and going back to the way things were.

See what we have to look forward to?

Antonio Harvey is a Portland Trail Blazers radio analyst. He mostly drives to work.

Gov. Schonely?

Sen. Schonely?

By Bill Schonely

Let’s start with the big news first. People have been asking me to run for elective office. The more I’ve thought about it, it doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

So maybe it will be Ron Wyden’s Senate seat, or maybe for governor in 2014. No matter, I will have the committee to head up my campaign operating in 2013.

It’s never too soon to plant the seeds.

In 2013, we’ll see Veterans Memorial Coliseum renovated. That poor old lady over there needs some TLC in the worst way . . . a new dress, some new shoes. It’s about time the city and whoever else is involved get it done. I would hate to see the building get torn down. All it needs is to be dressed up.

The city will get spruced up, too, thanks to the new mayor, Charlie Hales, and the new makeup of the City Council. They’ll paint the bridges, fix the ruts in the streets and take care of the foliage along the streets and highways. Lately, it’s looked like they’ve lost their mowers or something.

I’m in favor of a convention hotel near the Rose Quarter. That’s going to get done in 2013. And when it’s finally completed, everyone will be surprised what a draw the city can be. Maybe we’ll even get the NBA All-Star Game that we were promised back in the late ‘80s.

Finally, the Trail Blazers will finish the 2012-13 season with more wins than they had in 2011-12. I know — that was only 28 — but you have to start somewhere as you position yourself for another run at a title.

I wear my championship ring from the 1976-77 season. I tell people I want to stick around until I’m able to get another one, but the Blazers had better hurry.

Bill Schonely is the Portland Trail Blazers broadcasting legend. Hey, Ron Wyden, we think he might be serious about that Senate seat idea.

Next stop,


By Mary Nichols

I’ve just finished managing the social media for Portland’s mayor-elect, Charlie Hales, so I predict a lot of potholes will be filled.

Personally, I hope Hales makes a guest appearance on “Portlandia.” His character could sport plenty of tattoos and piercings and drive a pedicab that turns pedal power into freshly brewed artisan coffee. That would make my day and give me something to tweet about.

On the social media front, I believe in 2013 that more of Portland’s small businesses will accept that social media is here to stay and that it’s always evolving. One of the best things about social media is that most of the technology is free.

In 2013, Portland will continue to grow as a national high-tech hub and has the potential to become “Techlandia,” a place where creativity meets high-tech and generates innovation. This will only happen if we invest in education. Most people in the tech industry are well educated and want good schools for their children. They want classrooms with functioning computers, Smart Boards and engaged teachers trained in current technology.

To attract more high-tech to Portland and foster growth in our local tech community, our future must include quality, funded schools in every neighborhood.

Finally, in 2013 I dream of an app that discourages in-home technology use by detecting when any of my six children and I are together. When a child texts from upstairs, the app would respond: “Go talk to your mom.”

Mary Nichols is founder of Karmic Marketing and makes her living using social media. Just don’t tweet or text her during dinner. We mean it.

The Year of the Platinum Unicorn

By Storm Large

What can Portland look forward to in 2013? I’m excited about what’s to come.

In a way it IS the end (sorry Mayan calendar interpreters, but the Devil apparently isn’t going to toss us on his barbecue), the end of a lot of BS, and the beginning of something great.

It’s hard to describe, but I can feel it. There is more great music out there than ever, with faster and more efficient ways to hear and share it. Medical breakthroughs are happening every day in every discipline of healing. I have, firsthand, seen more and more people getting up and really helping one another, just for the pleasure of helping.

Love equality and gay marriage is becoming a reality in this country. Can’t you just hear hearts and minds cracking open?

It’s the dawning of a new day, for realsies. And what better place to be witnessing all this killer ninja kumbaya-ness than Portland?

That is why I declare 2013 to be the Year Of The Platinum Unicorn. I believe this beautiful, long-suffering planet, and her passengers, have finally begun the long slog back to Utopiality.

It won’t be easy, but it’s a long time coming, it’s going to be awesome and it’s WAY better than being eaten by demons.

Storm Large is a Portland singer, songwriter, performer and playwright and was way too worried about that whole Mayan calendar thing.

Mr. City Employee, spare that sidewalk

By Tres Shannon

It sure does seem that Portland is always ripping things up, to rebuild, to tear down again.

In 2013, I have a huge bone to pick with the city about taking out very historical sidewalk corners in nice neighborhoods only to be replaced with those newfangled ramps at every corner.

This year, I predict (I hope) the city won’t be tearing up any more existing ramped sidewalks that have served us Portlanders for more than 100 years.

The dates and hardworking families who built them are proudly stamped on each sidewalk, some with a beautiful metal band around them.

Sure, they are grimy, and some are a bit cracked, but so what. They are sidewalks that have functioned just fine for a long, long time.

This year, some of the communities that do not have any sidewalks could sure use them.

So, in 2013, I hope — I predict — that instead of tearing up these historical, functional and, in some cases, beautiful Portland corners, the city keeps them.

Tres Shannon is Voodoo Doughnuts co-owner. He pays a lot of attention to local sidewalks.

Legal challenges in 2013 could involve nudity

By Tung Yin

You don’t need a crystal ball to predict what will be the big three legal issues in the Portland news next year. That’s because they’ll be the same big three issues from 2012 and 2011: (1) the Pioneer Courthouse Square bomb sting case, which will finally go to trial more than two years after Mohamed Mohamud’s arrest; (2) the tragi-comically counterintuitive litigation in the Gary Haugen execution saga, in which taxpayers pay for Haugen to argue that he should be executed, and Gov. John Kitzhaber fighting back, saying that Haugen should not be executed; and (3) the somewhat weird multiple matters flowing out of Kyron Horman’s disappearance 2 1/2 years ago (i.e., the police investigation, the divorce proceedings between Kaine Horman and Terri Horman, and the civil lawsuit by Desiree Young against Terri Horman).

Unfortunately, you would need a crystal ball to predict the results of those cases, and I don’t happen to have one handy.

Trying to guess what other legal news might pop up in 2013 is a bit of a crapshoot because, as the saying goes, truth is often stranger than fiction.

I wouldn’t have guessed that a romantic couple who take role-playing so far as to have the woman stuffed naked into the trunk of a car — triggering understandable concerns among bystanders about kidnapping — but that did happen last year. Maybe that just means my imagination isn’t quite up to Portland standards.

Still, I’ve been asked to speculate about what will happen in 2013, the wilder the better, so here goes:

The city of Portland’s $35 per-person art tax will be challenged as an unconstitutional head tax.

The lawsuit challenging use of revenue from water rates for non-water-related projects will succeed, but the city will simply raise fees elsewhere so it’ll mostly be a wash (so to speak).

There won’t be a criminal trial involving faith-healing parents.

But there will be some kind of arrest of some naked person. (It’s Portland. I’m betting on nakedness.)

Tung Yin is a Lewis & Clark Law School professor. We also have “arrest of a naked person in Portland in 2013” in the office pool.

Embrace artistic chaos in 2013

By Jeff Jahn

Art thrives on a very civil kind of surprise, and Portland is fortunate to attract it.

For more than a decade, razor-sharp artists have been flooding and redefining this city, frequently making international waves. This creates understandable schisms as Portland’s institutions are trying to keep up, while bridging and developing Portland patronage.

I can’t predict the surprises in 2013, but I can tell you where to frequently find them, artist run spaces like Rocks Box, Falsefront or Recess. Agencies like the Regional Arts and Culture Council need to find a way to support these spaces, which don’t fit their very regimented definitions.

Other cities are focusing on Portland’s art scene, too. Artists such as Corey Arnold, Laura Fritz, Kristan Kennedy and Chase Baido are in group shows at prestigious institutions far from here. Storm Tharp has a survey exhibition at Cornell University’s Johnson Museum in February.

Locally, I am looking forward to former Worksound gallerist Modou Dieng’s exhibition at Linfield College in February. Sadly, both the CNAA’s and the Ford Fellowships (both with shows in 2013) avoid new media art, despite Portland’s edgy, high-tech reputation.

Still, in 2013, two unexpected spring shows have my attention: Isamu Noguchi at the Japanese Garden and a Lumber Room exhibition featuring Fred Sandback.

Also, The Portland Art Museum will survey both Carrie Mae Weems, a major photographer/filmmaker who grew up here, and bicycle design with Cyclepedia.

The Pacific Northwest College of Art is also presenting the very provocative Critical Art Ensemble.

Lastly, art schools are a major industry in town, and the Oregon College of Art and Craft will launch its master’s of fine arts degree in advanced craft, while the Pacific Northwest College of Art is preparing to renovate and move into the 511 building.

No institution has done a better job of catching Portland’s new wave of surprises than the Pacific Northwest College of Art.

I’m unveiling my own surprise in 2013, too.

Jeff Jahn is the independent curator and chief critic at We agree that sometimes the best art is unexpected.

2013 is about waffles. Definitely more waffles

By Paul Gerald

For all our proud talk about how serious a restaurant city we are, about how we treat weekend brunch the way Southern cities treat church, the reality is we’re also a goofy little town where any twenty-something can buy a cart and a waffle iron, mix up some batter, throw some bizarre concoction together as a topping, and call it breakfast.

Or, better yet, a Belgian Waffle. Or a Dutch Taco.

Perhaps readers think I jest. Well, consider the Gaufre Gourmet. Upon one (jalapeno cornbread) waffle, they slather pulled pork cabbage and apple slaw. They call it, of course, Porklandia.

They have another with goat cheese mousse, pistachios, balsamic caramel sauce. On a waffle.

In fact, I do think we’ll see more breakfast carts coming along — and disappearing. Now that we have a bike-powered smoothie cart (Moberi), a Paleo Diet cart (The Cultured Caveman), and our 137th burger cart, breakfast is pretty much the last frontier for CartLand.

Hopefully, there will be more of them downtown.

Another 2013 prediction: The New York Times will hump our foodie legs at least three more times this year.

I’ve been trying to think of what the “word of the year” will be, in the tradition of “organic,” “local,” and more lately “sustainable.” I hope and pray it will be phantasmagorical.

We can also count on more Serious Restaurants serving fancy, delicious weekend brunches with oh-so-sophisticated cocktails that very few people will go to — because they will all be waiting for an hour to get into the Cadillac Café, Cup and Saucer, or Screen Door.

This is fine with me, of course. There’s so much good, line-free breakfast available in this town, that while I write my new breakfast guide — something else to look forward to in 2013 — I don’t have to wait in those lines.

Or eat waffles.

Paul Gerald is author of “Breakfast in Bridgetown: The Definitive Guide to Portland’s Favorite Meal.” He also writes hiking guides so he doesn’t have a coronary. Keep up with him at

We’re sending you back to the future

By Steve Novick

Portland will experience dramatic changes in 2013, but nobody will realize it.

As soon as Charlie Hales is sworn in as mayor, an angel will appear to inform him that his second act in City Hall comes with an unexpected benefit: a chance to go back and re-live his first year in City Hall, 1993, with foreknowledge of the future, and the ability to shape that future to make his mayoralty easier.

Returning to 1993, the first thing Hales will do is call the mayor of Milwaukee, Wisc., to warn him to take steps to avoid Milwaukee’s 1993 cryptosporidium contamination of its water supply, which led to the federal reservoir-covering regulation. Thus, Portland in 2013 won’t have to worry about covering its reservoirs.

The second thing Second Chance Hales will do in 1993 Revisited is find a steady non-political job for Bill Sizemore. Thus, Sizemore will never put Measure 47 on the ballot in 1996; the Portland of 2013 will have more revenue for public services and will be free from the absurd property tax inequities caused by Measure 47.

Next, as construction of the Rose Garden begins in 1993, Hales will warn that Veterans Memorial Coliseum will languish in the new facility’s shadow and could cost the city untold millions. The coliseum space will be repurposed for a minor league baseball stadium, with the names of 12,666 Oregon veterans (including every Oregonian who has ever died in a foreign war) inscribed on the outfield wall, along with the names of 118 prominent Oregon peace activists (including both Wayne Morse and Mark Hatfield).

(12,666 was the coliseum’s capacity for many years; 118 seats were added later.)

Finally, the magnanimous Hales will visit a young Jefferson Smith to warn him to avoid physical altercations with female University of Oregon students (yes, that too happened in 1993), and tell him that he has a great political future in Salem, but not in Portland’s city politics.

Steve Novick was sworn in this week as a new Portland city commissioner. He’s already sold the movie rights to the future-Charlie-helps-1993-Charlie script.

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