Portlanders put on rose-colored glasses, head into wacky 2014

by: TRIBUNE PHOTO: JONATHAN HOUSE - Theoretical astrophysicist Ethan Siegal is predicting the result of capping Portlands Mt. Tabor reservoir will cause hallucinagens to leach into the water, making local beer the most popular in the world.You better sit down. According to our passel of local prognosticators, 2014 is going to be a weird, wild ride for the Rose City.

They’re predicting a new owner and new name for the Trail Blazers (who will make it to the NBA finals this season), Fred Armisen could become mayor, the Ducks will wear see-through uniforms and hashtags will take over the world.

We asked a bunch of people from across the city to predict what will happen in 2014 (most of them with tongue firmly in cheek) and this is what they told us:

About that beer ...

By Ethan Siegel

Ethan SiegelFor the first time, more than 50 percent of Oregon Republicans accept global warming, after the Greenland ice sheet falls into the Atlantic Ocean.

OHSU, in an attempt to raise funding to meet the Phil Knight challenge grant, is going to pretend to be affiliated with the Oregon Humane Society to increase donations.

Oregon hikers find a piece of fur in a large footprint in the Mount Hood National Forest that they send to the forensic lab in Ashland. After the lab tests the sample, they find evidence proving

it is sasquatch DNA. They then sequence the DNA and find that it’s a 99.99 percent match with Bill Sizemore.

When the Portland Water Bureau caps the reservoir on Mount Tabor, the weight of the cement causes a change in groundwater flow, leaching hallucinogens from Mount Tabor mushrooms into Portland’s water supply. As a result, beer brewed with Portland water

becomes the No. 1 selling beer worldwide.

Ethan Siegel is a theoretical astrophysicist who writes the science blog “Starts With A Bang.”

Dude, let’s watch the Percolators

By Ross Day

I have been asked to predict, as best I can, what is going to happen in Oregon in 2014. I have conducted several scientific tests, and here is what my Magic 8 Ball told me:

Gov. John Kitzhaber solves Oregon’s CRC debate: trade Multnomah, Columbia and Clatsop counties to Washington for Eastern Washington and a county-to-be-named later. The CRC is Washington’s problem now.

Oregon becomes the third state to legalize marijuana. By the end of the year, Oregon turns from a blue state to a red-eye state. Kettle Chips in Salem realizes record profits.

Starbucks buys the Blazers. New name: Portland Percolators.

The city of Portland approves “tram travel” zones where only trams and, of course, bicycles, can operate.

Oregon, for the second time ever, elects a woman to be a U.S. senator.

Over a coffin of Voodoo Doughnuts, Republicans and Democrats create a tax reform package that provides enough money for schools and reduces the tax burden on Oregonians. Voodoo Doughnut, is there anything they can’t do?

Ross Day is an attorney with the Day Law Group in Tigard.

by: TRIBUNE FILE PHOTO: JAIME VALDEZ - Could it be Mayor Fred Armisen? Life might imitate art in 2014, according to predictions.

All hail, Mayor Fred Armisen

By Mark Mason and Dave Anderson

To capitalize on the successful 2013 holiday shopping season, Black Friday will begin on Easter in 2014.

By mid-year, every American will finally be signed up for Obamacare. However, they will spend the rest of the year on hold trying to make a doctor appointment.

The city of Portland will relocate Right 2 Dream Too to Milwaukie once it’s discovered they are mostly Clackamas County commuters too afraid to cross the Sellwood Bridge.

The contest to name the new TriMet Portland-Milwaukie Light Rail bridge will end up in a hotly-contested tie between Bill Porter and Barbara Roberts. After months of debate, the stalemate will be broken when TriMet decides to build a second bridge and make them both one-way.

John Kitzhaber will win an unprecedented fourth term, but only after defeating an effort by Republicans that would have allowed Oregonians to vote online — using the Cover Oregon website.

By year’s end, voters will decide the fictional “Portlandia” is actually more functional than the real Portland and elect Fred Armisen mayor.

Mark Mason and Dave Anderson are Mark and Dave on KPAM 860 AM from 3 to 6 p.m. weekdays.

Steve, Cher’s attorney is calling

By Steve Novick

The city of Portland introduces BikeCher and is promptly overwhelmed by gypsies, tramps and thieves.

Corporate alliance succeeds in creating a new city water district; companies start dumping all their toxic waste into the city water supply. Floy Jones says cheerfully, “At least it’s not fluoride!”

City and county officials revise Resolution A to add provisions governing the distribution of sex scandal responsibilities between Portland’s mayor and the county chair.

The city of Portland will adopt a major transportation funding measure with clever tie-in to marriage equality campaign, designating several “high-capacity gay marriage boulevards.”

Steve Novick is a Portland city commissioner.

by: PHOTO COURTESY OF TOMMY BYRD - In 2014, bass players will be considered cool, according to Simon Tam (third from the left), who, by the way, plays bass for Portlands rock band The Slants.

Hey, bass player, where are you from?

By Simon Tam

2014 marks the Year of the Horse, which reflects logic, intelligence and compassion. People will not just tout these values, but begin to live them:

Portlanders will begin to care more about staying dry than looking like tourists and will begin to use umbrellas.

Rather than relying on the opinions of sportscasters, people will begin to ask actual Native Americans for their opinions on the Redskins.

Educators will realize that STEM programs (science, technology, engineering, and math) are useless without the critical thinking learned from the humanities.

People of color will no longer need to answer the question, “Where are you from?” or the infamous follow-up, “No, where are you really from?”

Bass players will become the next cool thing, as fans will realize that they are more talented and better looking than the singer or guitarist. People will still ignore the drummer.

Simon Tam is (you guessed it) the bass player for Portland’s rock band The Slants. His band is in the middle of a legal fight with federal officials to trademark its name.

Greg, meet Sam (watch the leg)

By Ryan Deckert

2014 ... The Year That Will Be. Next year’s news in the state that flies with her own wings and the city that decided to put a bird on it:

About 250 more restaurants will open with an ampersand in their name. Southeast Division Street will enjoy the bulk of these new arrivals, including Naomi Israel Ricker Rucker’s newest creation, Ampersand & Ampersand, that will have no tables/chairs or menu — you just look at the chef and she/he decides what you want.

Greg Oden will pass Sam Bowie in the Louisville, Ky., airport on April 17. No words will be exchanged. A random traveler will catch this rare occurrence on Twitter — Blazer Nation goes into a full meltdown.

ESPN’s GameDay returns for its eighth broadcast from Eugene to bear witness to the battle for supremacy in the PAC 12: Oregon vs. Stanford. Oregon unveils the new Nike see-through uniform, forcing an FCC blackout to the nationally- televised contest.

The Timbers Army boycotts all summer matches at Jeld-Wen field in solidarity with striking ticket scalpers. The scalpers are demanding an end to all electronic game tickets and the dissolution of StubHub.

The trail of misdeeds and personal confessions will continue to grow for our political leaders. Gov. John Kitzhaber will confess he never removed his blue jeans from Mahonia Hall during the Kulongoski administration. Deborah Kafoury will make the explosive revelation that she never used drugs in her tenure on the Multnomah County Commission, endangering her campaign for county chairwoman. And most shocking of all: City Commissioner Steve Novick will reveal that he did his holiday shopping at The Gap — at Washington Square.

Executives at The Oregonian will make another bold announcement, eschewing all print/digital publications entirely. They will revert to paperboys (sans actual paper) standing on street corners shouting the news at pedestrians and passing cars.

Ryan Deckert is a former state senator from Beaverton who is head of the Oregon Business Association.

Welcome home, here’s your mop

By Nick Christensen

In 2014, I’m looking forward to some innovative ways of solving Portland’s greatest challenge: how hard it is to afford an apartment near a Salt and Straw or New Seasons Market or Por Que No.

By July, developers will have opened Master’s Degree Manor, a first-of-its-kind affordable housing complex for underemployed liberal arts graduates. In exchange for discounted rent on their studio apartments, these bright young men and women will mop floors, clean bathrooms, work on plumbing and electricity, and do other maintenance jobs at the building.

This arrangement will keep tenants from having to get real jobs, such as custodians, plumbers, electricians and property managers — work that would not neatly line up with their post-collegiate aspirations.

To try and improve the economy out in the eastern hinterlands, and draw vital amenities like a Salt and Straw or New Seasons Market or Por Que No, Portland will launch a 30-year effort to improve East Portland’s economy.

A dozen advisory committees will be assembled. Hundreds of recommendations will be made. And, by the time they’re all in a plan somewhere ... we’ll be ready to launch another, in-depth, decades-long study of East Portland’s future.

Nick Christensen is a news writer with Metro, and former head of the Lents Neighborhood Association.

Life is strange in #Predictionlandia

By Jefferson Smith

We will start calling our health insurance the Rose Garden Health Plan.

The Blazers will advance in the playoffs. Or break my heart. Or both.

More words will end up with “-landia” at the end.

My 14-year-old nephew, Mitchell, will go out with Meghan next year. This note will embarrass him. He’ll surpass 400 followers on Instagram (miiiitchhhell) and continue to say “hashtag!” out loud before simple declaratives. #hashtaglandia

A constitutional amendment will pass clarifying that John Kitzhaber will be governor eight of every 12 years. #everyothergovernor

I will go to the concert of my favorite band. The 21-year-old guy next to me will say, “Oh yeah, I’m a big Pearl Jam fan. I love old, classic rock.” Oh wait, that already happened last month. #oldlandia

We’ll start talking more about homelessness beyond where to hide them.

The CRC regains steam through an ad campaign explaining that a record number of people without homes could be hidden underneath. #humanity

Instead of doing Internet radio shows, former politicians will flock to writing predictions for local newspapers. #samejokenewyear #xraylandia #selfpromotionlandia #happynewyear!

Former state Rep. Jefferson Smith was a candidate for Portland mayor in 2012.

Year of the Hedgehog social media invasion

By Mary Nichols

In 2014, I predict people will panic because they’ve forgotten how to write on a piece of paper, and basic handwriting courses will be hot — at least until someone develops an app that spits out handwritten notes.

Attractive “selfies” will become passé. Instead, people will post their ghastliest photos to amuse all their new friends in their handwriting classes. Those ugly photos will be the nail in the coffin for Facebook, which teens continue to abandon. Fret not, Facebook stockholders: by the time this column is printed, one very cool 20-something will be using Facebook ironically, and a new generation of teens will rediscover the simplistic joy of scrolling through hundreds of strangers’ indiscernible, flavorless dinner photos.

Darcy the Flying Hedgehog will hook up with Biddy the Hedgehog, and they will have the cutest hedgehog babies ever! Ninety-eight percent all Instagram photos and Vine videos will be of hedgehogs, and #HedgeLoveHedgeLyfe will trend all of 2014.

Mary Nichols is a social media guru with Karmic Marketing.

And now, Portland’s pixelated software

By Sam Blackman

Portland has long been home to creative types. Looking for something remarkable to drink or eat? The city teems with artisanal coffee roasters and charcuterie so fresh there is an occasional oink heard. How about ways to get to work? We’ve got handcrafted bike manufacturers and locally grown streetcars (that take a little longer to fabricate than we desire).

So what’s next? My prediction is that in 2014, Portland will become known for artisanal video processing. Whether it’s watching the Sochi Winter Olympics on an iPad, highlights of the Portland Trail Blazers’ latest victory via on a laptop, or HBO GO on an Apple TV, citizens can rest easy knowing that every minuscule pixel on their screen was lovingly calculated by software built locally, right here.

I’ll leave it to others to predict when the region will provide adequate funding for public education to ensure that we have a steady supply of programmers for decades to come.

Sam Blackman is chief executive officer and co-founder of Portland’s Elemental Technologies

Will it be Professor Kitzhaber?

By Steve Buel

My education-related predictions for 2014:

Following his reading of Diane Ravitch’s book, “Reign of Error,” Gov. John Kitzhaber decides that the real education action is in the classroom. He subsequently drops out of his campaign for state superintendent of schools and governor and returns to college to get a teaching degree.

Ben Cannon immediately announces his run for governor. His first contribution is $2 million from Pearson Education, the for-profit education corporation.

Gwen Sullivan, president of the Portland Association of Teachers, deduces that the CRC might take money from education and leads a teacher protest on the Interstate 5 bridge. The Legislature, noting that Sullivan recently was profiled in three newspapers as the “most powerful woman in Oregon,” declares the CRC dead. Quickly the CRC consultants and union backers resurrect the idea of the Mount Hood Freeway.

Steve Buel is a member of the Portland School Board.

An assist for Sen. Jerome Kersey

By Jerome Kersey

I see 2014 as being a big year for Northwest sports teams.

I believe the Trail Blazers will beat Oklahoma City in the Western Conference finals and reach the NBA finals for the first time since I played in 1992.

The Timbers will win the Major League Soccer championship; the Seattle Seahawks will win the Super Bowl.

I will continue to involve myself with my favorite charities: Children’s Cancer Association, the Multiple Sclerosis Society, Caddies for Cure and the Brian Grant Parkinson’s Foundation.

I predict the medical field will make great advancements in all these areas.

The economy will continue to regain strength throughout the entire country.

My 2014 future has no involvement in politics at any level. If I am called, I will not serve.

Jerome Kersey played forward for the Portland Trail Blazers from 1984 to 1995. He is the Trail Blazer ambassador.

Watch where you put that hatchet, Mike

By Mike Barrett

Am I wrong to think that 2013 was perhaps the most unpredictable sports year in recent memory? OK, the Miami Heat won the NBA championship, so that wasn’t difficult to foresee. But Baltimore wins the Super Bowl? The Red Sox go from 69 wins in 2012 to a World Series title?

In college football, the Ducks lose twice, the Beavs, who usually start slow and finish fast, do the exact opposite, and Auburn is king (for now).

The NBA season is off to an unpredictable start as well. The Trail Blazers held the NBA’s best record through 26 games. ‘Nuff said.

I predict, largely because of their start, the Blazers will place two players on the Western Conference All-Star team this season. LaMarcus Aldridge is a given, but Damian Lillard, in his second year, in the point-guard rich West? I think so.

The Blazers won’t finish No. 1 in the West, but they will secure home-court advantage in the first round of the playoffs by finishing among the top four in the conference, and they will advance past the first round for the first time since 2000.

Terry Stotts will win NBA Coach of the Year honors, and Neil Olshey will be Executive of the Year.

The NBA will vote to scrap divisions altogether, and go with simply a two-conference format. Traditionalists won’t like it, but it’ll be the first major change under new commish Adam Silver.

Oh, and Mike Rice will invite Steve Javie on a fishing trip to Alaska. They’ll sit by the campfire, laugh, reminisce, compare scars on their knees from multiple surgeries and bury the hatchet once and for all.

Mike Barrett is the television play-by-play voice for the Portland Trail Blazers.

New this year: Rose-flavored food carts

By Brett Burmeister

Three snowboarders brainstorm a new food cart concept: The Stewbaru. They have secured three 2003 Subaru Outbacks and converted them to sell stew. In typical Portland fashion, the chefs will be sporting flannel and beards.

There are 30 pods and 550 food carts throughout the City of Roses, and none of them do anything with roses. In 2014, the Royal Rosarians will launch a rose-themed food truck named The Rosie and serve rose-inspired dishes: rose petal ice cream, hot dogs wrapped in bacon and rose petals, smoked salmon with rose petal tea and more. The cart will debut in June, if it’s not raining.

We will see more restaurants realizing the power of marketing with food trucks and carts. At the next major event, keep your eyes peeled for spicy artichoke dip from the “TGIFriday’s truck” or endless soup and salad from the “Olive Garden Van.” Heck, we may even be able to enjoy a foot-long from Subway driven right to your door.

Over the past few years, we’ve seen hair salons, vintage clothing and cigar stores in mobile trailers. We’ve even seen mobile tailoring operating out of a former delivery van. In 2014, medical marijuana will go mobile with a dispensary operating out of a vintage 1960s school bus. It will be called Furtherjuana.

Brett Burmeister is managing editor and co-owner of Food Carts Portland, a resource for street food enthusiasts.

Thank you, sir, may we have another?

By Vince Porter

2014 will be a year when Oregon’s hit TV series uses the state’s film history for inspiration. “Grimm” will do episodes in homage to “Animal House,” “The Goonies” and “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” Bluto and D-Day from Animal House, Chunk from the “Goonies” and R.P. McMurphy (Jack Nicholson’s character) from “Cuckoo’s Nest” all end up being Wesen on the show. As for “Portlandia” — the show will do a musical episode taking inspiration from every Gus Van Sant film shot in Portland.

Vince Porter is executive director of the Governor’s Office of Film and Television.

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